Miley Cyrus caused quite a stir with her performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards. Picture: Getty Images Source: Getty Images
OH Miley, Miley, just slow down.
As the world tries to erase the rather alarming image of you gyrating in your flesh-coloured undies with your tongue lolling out and a Coles foam finger flailing about your private parts, it's time to just calm down.
We know those Disney days are long gone and you're very excited to be a woman. You just don't need to keep reminding us.
The thing is, you've fallen into that fast-forward trap that has ensnared so many former teen stars before you. Like a Faustian pact, signing up for success so young comes at a huge cost - it is a nightmare to grow up.
Rather than ease into adulthood with the usual pimply malaise that the rest of us endure, where we date a handful of right and very wrong partners, limp through our education and embark upon a career, hoping to emerge into some kind of semi-formed responsible adult by our mid-20s; teen stars blitz the lot before they're 18.
And they are all driven to tie the knot as soon as possible.
While Cyrus got engaged to Liam Hemsworth at the tender age of 20 (it is unknown what Mr Hemsworth thinks of his increasingly wayward fiancee's behaviour), she's just fulfilling her teen star criteria.
Miley Cyrus bumps and grinds with Robin Thicke at the MTV Video Music Awards. Picture: Getty Images
It goes as far back as Shirley Temple, who met her first husband at 15 and married him two years later. By 21 she was divorced with a daughter and wishing she'd stayed on the Good Ship Lollipop.
Troubled Judy Garland also married the first of five husbands at 19, splitting a year later.
Sixty years on, teen stars haven't learned any lessons. Britney Spears married delighted childhood friend Jason Alexander in Vegas aged 22, for a full 55 hours before tying the knot the same year with Kevin Federline. Two years and two kids later they divorced and well, we all know what happened next.
Drew Barrymore, the poster girl for derailed child stars, posed nude at 17, appeared in Playboy at 19 and bared her boobs to a bemused David Letterman. Her love life was equally precocious - she first got engaged at 16, again at 17, before marrying at 19 and enjoying two months of wedded bliss. Her second marriage at 26, lasted a year.
Top 10 things you never need to buy[1]
Doctoring is all in the dressing[2]
When she hit her 30s, she finally seemed to get it together, setting up a successful film production company, marrying Will Kopelman at 37 and starting a family.
But Cyrus is not alone - Zayn Malik, 20, has realised his extensive three years of One Direction fame isn't enough stimulus and recently got engaged to girlfriend Perrie Edwards.
Peaches Geldof binned off her career aged 19 to marry a muso before realising it was a terrible mistake six months later. Undeterred she wed Thomas Cohen last year, popped out two children and she's still only 24.
A more "modest" Miley Cyrus on the red carpet before the VMAs. Picture: Getty Images
The Miley moral is, this supersonic quest to grow up never tends to end well.
As her Hannah Montana "mother'' Brooke Shields (who knows better than anyone) said: "I just want to know who's advising her. I feel like it's a bit desperate.''
My advice to Cyrus is, relax. You're 20 years old. You are a multi-millionaire, have a fabulous body and all the designer bags and shoes you could ever require.
You can do anything you like with your life, so stick your tongue back in your mouth, leave your crotch alone, chill out and have some fun.
Preferably with pants on.
References
- ^ Top 10 things you never need to buy (www.dailytelegraph.com.au)
- ^ Doctoring is all in the dressing (www.dailytelegraph.com.au)
- ^ Kim, it's time to come out (www.dailytelegraph.com.au)
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