Sun Sep 08 15:09:55 SAST 2013
A Nigerian friend of mine used to brag to me: "Jesus truly exists. And you know what the evidence of his existence and power is? Nigeria.
QUICK FIX: Pastor TB Joshua calls down the healing powers of Jesus on a woman at The Synagogue, Church of All Nations in Lagos. Picture: Panos/South"That my country still exists and seems to be doing not too badly is thanks to the power of Jesus. Every clever Nigerian knows and recognises the power of Jesus. That's why a Nigerian thief always prays before a big scam. That's why a Nigerian politician prays before he steals elections. That's why a Nigerian army general always prays before he goes killing people."
My friend was perhaps exaggerating, but his point was taken: in the absence of anything else, desperate people will invoke the name of Jesus either to justify their abhorrent actions or simply to cover the fact that they have no creative ideas for wriggling out of a dire situation - Jesus will provide.
Ah, the son of Joseph and Mary is one of the most abused human beings who ever trod this earth. Our own leaders not so long ago told us that a certain governing party would reign until Jesus comes home.
And now the young man who not so long ago told the nation that he and his comrades would nationalise the mines and banks and expropriate the land seems to have found the all-conquering power of Jesus.
Julius Malema, reeling from the shock of losing his properties to the taxman and faced with the reality that he has to run for next year's election with his political outfit the Economic Freedom Fighters, has encountered his Damascene moment: Jesus not only heals, Jesus also provides.
So, with that mantra in mind, Malema trekked to the true home of our African Jesus - Nigeria.
You see, in Nigeria, if you want to be truly successful, you can become a politician, a Nollywood actor or director, or an army general (but it takes a long time to make it through the ranks).
Or you run a scam of some sort, or you run a church. Or is there much difference?
Churches are a dime a dozen in Nigeria and they, like the Zionist churches of South Africa, have some truly colourful names: the United Nations of Africa Church of the Holy Trinity, His People Church of Africa, the Traditional African Holy Spirit Church of His Sacred Name.
Malema, given his eloquence, verbal diarrhoea and taste for the outlandish, must have found himself at home in Lagos, where he spent a week genuflecting at the feet of celebrity "prophet" the Super-Pastor TB Joshua, who runs an outfit called The Synagogue, Church of All Nations.
Prophet TB Joshua's magnetism and charisma has charmed many powerful and influential Africans, including Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, Malawi's former president Bingu wa Mutharika, and, of course, that bumbling toothless lion of Zimbabwe, Morgan Tsvangirai.
What is remarkable about those who have sought to touch the hem of TB Joshua's holy robe is that they are desperate individuals: when Madikizela-Mandela went over there she was having some legal problems; when the former Malawian president trekked to Lagos he was seriously ill and died soon after his visit; and, of course, when Tsvangirai went there he had tried everything in the book to get the Angel of Death to intercede on his behalf and do something about Robert Mugabe.
At this juncture, the visionary reader will ask: "What was ailing Malema that he should seek the urgent holy intervention of TB Joshua?"
As far as I've been able to ascertain, Malema is healthy and hale. It is his political project that needs some divine intervention. Not to mention the ever-elusive lucre. Which is where TB Joshua comes in: the prophet has deep holy pockets.
Moreover, TB Joshua is clever enough to realise that his church needs a presence in South Africa.
The other Nigerian pastor, Chris Oyakhilome, seems to have stolen a march on TB Joshua when it comes to penetrating South Africa. Pastor Chris always fills our big stadiums whenever he comes to visit South Africa to, um, save some souls, and collect some cash while he's at it.
So, what would you do if you were in TB Joshua's shoes? You would look for an entry point into South Africa. And the loudmouth Malema, who has just created something new, becomes your logical target.
So you invite him over to Lagos and let him drink some holy water and, on his way back home, you give him some pocket money to get started with his Economic Warriorship project.
By the by, not so long ago, Prophet TB Joshua prophesied that young people would start a huge revolt in South Africa. This prophecy ties in nicely with the revolutionary talk of Malema.
So, when the prophet had dealt with Malema during his short visit to Lagos, I can imagine him reminding the young man: "Oga, when you get to South Africa, you must remember the revolution. Further, oga, you must remember how to use the small-small cash to start the revolution. The revolution will begin when you start invoking the name of TB Joshua at your meetings."
That is why, since his return, Malema has been waxing lyrical about the power of TB Joshua. Methinks it's more like the power of TB Joshua's dollars, which are expected to inject some life into the EFF while the prophet uses the party as his entry into South Africa.
Enter a new party called PEFF - the Prophetic Economic Freedom Fighters.
Here I shall pause to recommend the new party's campaigning slogan, inspired by Samuel L Jackson's Jules in Pulp Fiction: "The path of the righteous Malema is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity, goodwill and economic freedom, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon the Nkandla project with great vengeance and furious anger for they, at Mangaung, attempted to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord Malema when I lay My vengeance upon thee." Amen.
Poor Smuts
One of the least reported stories that caught my eye recently relates to Smuts "I didn't struggle to be poor" Ngonyama. He has been hauled to court by Elaine Damons, Jerry Moagi and David Levinson, each of whom is claiming R34-million from him.
The money is for the role they played in introducing a US-developed wireless mobile technology to South Africa. They had an oral agreement with Ngonyama, at that time a bigwig at Luthuli House.
According to the trio, they would introduce Ngonyama to Ahmed Dike, a representative of a US technology company. Using his political influence, Ngonyama would then sell the technology, which is said to give faster connectivity, to various organisations, including Telkom and Sentech.
The trio allege that Ngonyama sold the technology to Telkom - but failed to pay them their dividends. Curious thought: if the three are claiming almost R100-million from Ngonyama, we can only wonder how much he made! Anyway, the case continues.
Clearly there's no honour among those who didn't struggle to be poor.
You can follow me, even though I don't have TB Joshua's riches, on Twitter @FredKhumalo
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