Autumn is upon us, it’s Saturday night and we’ve arrived at that special moment when the whole nation goes ballroom barmy. Give it up for Stepping Out. Wow!!!
On second thoughts forget the “for”. Just give it up Stepping Out... you don’t stand a chance. Prepare to be mercilessly slaughtered.
Mighty Strictly Come Dancing will waltz all over its rip-off rival. And that’s exactly what ITV’s mean-spirited little pipsqueak deserves.
Mean-spirited because the apparent mission is to put pressure on happy relationships and drive couples apart. Which is almost as mean-spirited as its brazened bid to steal viewers from the BBC.
Flanked by unexciting “Front Row” experts Jason Gardiner and Wayne Sleep (yawn), “the dancing force behind The Spice Girls” (really?) Mel B shrieked: “This show has got everything!” Apart from an audience, a point and a future.
Memo to the barrel-scraping producers: 1) Book your holidays for this time next year. 2) Never give Davina McCall a microphone.
“YES, YES, YES!” yelled the foghorn voiced host after we’d all cried “no, no, no” as Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen waddled around aimlessly with his wife Jackie (a woman).
Deafening Davina is so volcanically loud, she doesn’t need a phone to make long-distance calls. She simply shouts.
ITV’s uncreatives insist their copycat series is dazzlingly different because it’s for minor celebrities and their real-life partners. But what they’re really trying to do is confuse the masses and ruin sprightly Bruce Forsyth’s party.
Sadly, the drearily familiar stage for this hastily hurled together spoiler is Fountain Studios, the blue neon tat factory where they churn out Simon Cowell’s endless talent searches.
So while Stepping Out doesn’t look much like Strictly... it’s a dead ringer for The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent. D’oh!
Who’s in it? Who cares? But a special mention for Denise Welch and her woeful onesie emblazoned with 113 pictures of Denise Welch. It must be love. Following Ms Welch’s husband Lincoln’s unexpectedly passable performance, Mel boomed: “You pulled it out!” He didn’t dance too badly either...
Anyway, enough of this shabby upstart... and on to the real deal. Da da da da da da da... Strictly’s back and ready to rumba.
Eager anticipation as TV’s annual jigathon moved to its glamorous new suburban home. Hooray for Borehamwood! The place where George Lucas filmed Star Wars is now the setting for Minor Star Wars.
But will the B-list class of 2013 hit the spot? “Such an amazing range of eye candy!” gasped resident funny foreigner Bruno Tonioli.
“And the boys,” added Darcey Bussell. Darcey dear... he means the boys. As opposed to Vanessa Feltz and Deborah Meaden.
According to headmaster Len Goodman, the professionals are crucial to the contestants’ (cliché alert) “journeys”.
But since I’ve only ever been able to name a couple of the pros, I couldn’t care less who ended up with whom. To be honest... I just wanna see people fall over. One of five new regulars, sultry Janette Manrara boasted: “I’m the feisty fun girl.” We’ll be the judge of that.
As for the wannabes... extreme Scouser Abbey Clancy promised to “wee-urk” hard. And a man called Ashley blushed when he was described as a “very famous Hollyoaks star”. A contradiction in terms.
Shame the bookers didn’t manage to land Brad Pitt. Full marks though for securing the services of Hairy Biker Dave Myers.
But if you want my tip... I’m backing OAP golfer Tony Jacklin. To be the first out.
You put a foot in there, Lauren
OK folks... let’s step through-the-looking-glass into the surreal world of Celebrity Big Brother.
And listen to the lovely Lauren Harries: “The housemates underestimate me... they don’t know I can wear flat shoes.”
An impressive declaration of inner strength. But Lauren... they DO know you can wear flat shoes. Because you used to be bloke.
Another hilarious week in TV’s compound of doom as former cokehead-turned-prostitute Sophie Anderton effectively asked us to choose between her and likeable Loose Woman Carol McGiffin.
No contest. Exit hateable Sophie to a rousing chorus of booing.
“She was a pain in the arse,” snarled Carol, accurately.
In other news... farewell showbiz mechanic Bruce Jones and unknown American Dustin Nomark.
And brace yourselves... Charlotte the harlot is favourite to win. The talented Geordie bed-wetter’s torrents of theatrical tears are going down a storm with the notoriously gullible phone voters.
This revolting girl is not as dim as you think.
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EVERY time wallpaperer Kelly Hoppen opens her mouth you can feel Dragons’ Den dying a little. “Your attitude is so unengaging,” she told a deluded fool, who should have replied: “Right back atcha.” Peter Jones: “I’m losing the will to live.” Know the feeling.
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TV GOLD... Hayley and Roy on Corrie. C4’s stunning Top Boy. TV DROSS... ITV’s alleged sitcom Pat & Cabbage: crap and garbage. My wife’s love of Doc Martin. ITV2’s The Big Reunion Tour’s fancy dress stunt. ITV’s desperate Big Star’s Little Star: Slebs invading their kids’ privacy...
BBC fails to Phil in rot
As Albert Square’s Cockney rabble continued to bore for Britain, mad Max Branning declared: “I’ve had an idea for Jack’s birthday. A few drinks in the Vic.”
Amazing! How did he come up with that little humdinger?
And what sort of people are able to meet in a pub on a Tuesday at 5pm? Chronically implausible pretend people. EastEnders... never knowingly realistic.
In a failed bid to stop the tedious rot, the BBC wasted a million quid on an unspectacular crash that sent halfwit thug Phil Mitchell through the windscreen
of gormless gangster Carl’s ancient Rover.
A million? It looked like it cost a fiver. Including the price of the laughable jalopy.
While Phil fought for his so-called life, his idiot cousin Billy rushed to the hospital in Alfie Moon’s Ford Capri.
Why do they all have such comically old cars?
But will this unimaginative tosh re-establish
Mr Mitchell’s credentials as a razor-sharp tough guy on the make?
Or will the rapidly shrinking audience still see him as a baby-obsessed moron who entrusted dipstick Dexter with £10,000... and therefore lost it?
The latter.
The groundhog factor
If you missed last night’s thrilling edition of The X Factor, don’t worry. They’re repeating it tonight.
ITV’s top team and their boss Simon Cowell are no doubt congratulating themselves on doubling the advertising revenue. But they should note that you can have too much of a good thing. Well, an average thing.
As ridiculously overrated ScrewBo Sam Bailey shuffled on to the stage, noisy song interrupter Nicole Scherzinger squealed: “I remember you!” So did the viewers... from all of 24 hours ago.
It’s bad enough that after 10 long years every series is indistinguishable. But now they’re screening the same programme on Saturdays and Sundays we’re stuck in Groundhog Day.
Following private auditions for the judges, the wannabes proceed to Wembley Arena to try their luck in front of a 4,000-strong screaming lynch mob. Which, in telly terms, doesn’t make a whole heap of difference.
Amid the irritating cacophony, Louis Walsh, 102, told some loser: “You’re not the best singer.” “That doesn’t matter!” cried Old Ma Osbourne, 94. Welcome to the singing contest where singing doesn’t matter.
Meanwhile, in an absurdly drawn-out non-drama 16-year-old Tamera Foster forgot the lyrics to her chosen Whitney Houston ditty. That’s what taking drugs does to you.
Just say no kids...
Lemon said
Through The Keyhole... week two. And pretend person host Keith Lemon wheels out identical jokes. Great.
After the first show’s cleverly edited guitar- playing wheeze, last night’s instalment featured the cleverly edited harp-playing wheeze. Ho ho.
Then Bake Off queen Mary Berry got the side-splitting “you need the clap” treatment. Just as Eamonn Holmes did.
After guest Jonathan Woss refused to set a date for their planned get-together, Lemon wailed: “You never say, ‘see you next Tuesday’.”
Actually, Keith... he does. As soon as your back’s turned.
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JAMIE’S Money Saving Meals.... aka meals that make money for Jamie. Complicated recipes, an expensively equipped kitchen and a vast army of assistants. Mr Oliver finds a new angle for his latest same-again C 4 cooking show. And there’s a book!
My fave lines
- Strictly Come Dancing... and Vanessa Feltz declares: “I might stick my tongue in Craig’s ear. He’d love that.” No. He. Wouldn’t.
- Celebrity Big Brother... and ridiculous reject Sophie Anderton assesses the housemates: “Out of all of them I’m probably the most boring.” Agreed.
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TWO new comedy series... C4’s Educating Yorkshire and Sky1’s Harrow: A Very British School. Both reasonable TV fare. And both confirming that teaching is a noble calling for selfless people prepared to do daily battle with horrible kids. No thanks.
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So, entertaining old bat Janet Street-Porter’s bid to frighten Celebrity MasterChef food snobs John Torode and Gregg Wallace into naming her the winner flopped like a sunken soufflé. JSP was aggressively contemptuous of the cowering duo’s culinary pretensions. Careful, Janet... that Wallace guy is pretty handy with his fists.
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